Post by Jujukittychick on Oct 27, 2019 21:06:22 GMT -5
For some reason this came to me while listening to the Hobbit soundtrack while playing a puzzle game on the computer, no clue.
"Ohhhhhhhhhh....'cause that's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" The Dwarves finished their song with even more laughing and playful shoving and tossing of food and dishes. All the while, Bilbo had been standing against the wall, watching the vandals destroy his house, eat his food, and then proceed to mock him. He decided he'd had quite enough.
"That's it! Get the fuck out of my house! I should have called the guard the moment you lot broke in."
----
This is somewhere between modern AU and just alternate canon cause there's a lot of "fucks" said by Bilbo and not a lot given and I kept picturing Bags End as like a condo in a highrise(?). The Dwarves have shown up, per the movie, and just kind of barged in, dropping their weapons wherever (primarily on his mother's chest) and generally destroying Bilbo's peace and quiet and sanity. Getting only half-assed answers about who they were and why they had invaded his house up until that point, his yelling finally shocked the Dwarves into silence. As they then try to pacify one very pissed off Hobbit, they realize that Bilbo truly has no clue who they are and why they're there. When it's made known that Gandalf "that quack?! I haven't talked to him in months" had sent them to him in order to join their merry band as their burglar "do I look like a fucking thief? I'm a writer!" Bilbo lets them know exactly what he thinks of their ridiculous quest and the idiot that talked them into the suicide mission. Of course, that's about when Thorin actually shows up.
During the following confrontation conversation, it's discovered that Bag End was actually his family's winter home, but due to illness/injury, they had stayed in the Shire through winter one year when Bilbo was still a child. It turned out to be the worst winter they'd seen in decades, with food soon beginning to run low due to the roads being too piled with snow to trade or replenish their stores, and them having continued their normal usage not realizing how bad the weather was going to get. With the snow came the wolves, which were also beginning to starve, and started attacking the village. This continued for over a month until only a handful of families were left in any sort of functioning shape, the very young and the elderly having died from cold and hunger and the able bodied men and women having already been claimed by the wolves as they tried to protect the village or gather supplies from the nearby forest. Having grouped together in their large gathering hall to conserve fuel and consolidate defenses, the remaining children were sent into the basement where what little food and supplies remained and the worst of the weather couldn't reach them. At some point during the night, either due to the storm or the wolves, the rest of the adults were killed off leaving the kids stranded in the basement. It's a week before Gandalf and some of the rangers show up, the storm having passed after that very night and allowed the roads to clear. The great and powerful wizard, was proven a fraud as far as Bilbo was concerned as he never sent any help at all. The children were all sent to live with distant relatives in other Hobbit villages where Bilbo stayed until his majority. His childhood anger and grief has persisted til he's still as disillusioned with the wizard that day as he was 30 years ago.
Bilbo eventually tells Thorin that he'll agree to help, but he has a demand. He's what's considered a "confirmed bachelor" by his people, meaning he only likes men in his bed. They're not a bad looking bunch of males so he wants a bed warmer, just for the night...for now. The shocked silence continues for a while, Bilbo looking completely at ease and smug, before Fili and Kili eventually pipe up and agree to do it. Bilbo stares them down then turns to look at Thorin, waiting for him to argue. Getting no objection, he agrees and directs them to his bedroom. Once the door is shut and locked, Bilbo waves them towards the small sitting area he has in his bedroom and explains it was a test. A test that Thorin failed spectacularly. "If your king is willing to sacrifice you, his nephews and heirs who barely qualify as being adults, for something as trivial as a night in some stranger's bed without even a guarantee of no harm being done, what will he be willing to sacrifice for this stupid cause when there's something much worse in store?" He tells them not to tell the others, they are to continue the charade that Bilbo made use of them. Though he does tell them that if they do decide they want to try anything with him, to just let him know. Not sure if they'll go for it then or not.
Bilbo winds up having a more or less moralistic debate with the brothers about his reasoning which is both true and flawed depending on whose side you're on. Bilbo sees it as Thorin willing to risk anybody for his goal, the brothers see it as their leader delegating. The sex is still good, or maybe better, with their tempers up.
Bilbo may keep posing the challenge to Thorin every week, with each of the other dwarves volunteering only to have them told it was a test and the resultant conversation he had with the princes. (I'm now kind of seeing shades of the movie Easy A in this lol)
"Ohhhhhhhhhh....'cause that's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" The Dwarves finished their song with even more laughing and playful shoving and tossing of food and dishes. All the while, Bilbo had been standing against the wall, watching the vandals destroy his house, eat his food, and then proceed to mock him. He decided he'd had quite enough.
"That's it! Get the fuck out of my house! I should have called the guard the moment you lot broke in."
----
This is somewhere between modern AU and just alternate canon cause there's a lot of "fucks" said by Bilbo and not a lot given and I kept picturing Bags End as like a condo in a highrise(?). The Dwarves have shown up, per the movie, and just kind of barged in, dropping their weapons wherever (primarily on his mother's chest) and generally destroying Bilbo's peace and quiet and sanity. Getting only half-assed answers about who they were and why they had invaded his house up until that point, his yelling finally shocked the Dwarves into silence. As they then try to pacify one very pissed off Hobbit, they realize that Bilbo truly has no clue who they are and why they're there. When it's made known that Gandalf "that quack?! I haven't talked to him in months" had sent them to him in order to join their merry band as their burglar "do I look like a fucking thief? I'm a writer!" Bilbo lets them know exactly what he thinks of their ridiculous quest and the idiot that talked them into the suicide mission. Of course, that's about when Thorin actually shows up.
During the following confrontation conversation, it's discovered that Bag End was actually his family's winter home, but due to illness/injury, they had stayed in the Shire through winter one year when Bilbo was still a child. It turned out to be the worst winter they'd seen in decades, with food soon beginning to run low due to the roads being too piled with snow to trade or replenish their stores, and them having continued their normal usage not realizing how bad the weather was going to get. With the snow came the wolves, which were also beginning to starve, and started attacking the village. This continued for over a month until only a handful of families were left in any sort of functioning shape, the very young and the elderly having died from cold and hunger and the able bodied men and women having already been claimed by the wolves as they tried to protect the village or gather supplies from the nearby forest. Having grouped together in their large gathering hall to conserve fuel and consolidate defenses, the remaining children were sent into the basement where what little food and supplies remained and the worst of the weather couldn't reach them. At some point during the night, either due to the storm or the wolves, the rest of the adults were killed off leaving the kids stranded in the basement. It's a week before Gandalf and some of the rangers show up, the storm having passed after that very night and allowed the roads to clear. The great and powerful wizard, was proven a fraud as far as Bilbo was concerned as he never sent any help at all. The children were all sent to live with distant relatives in other Hobbit villages where Bilbo stayed until his majority. His childhood anger and grief has persisted til he's still as disillusioned with the wizard that day as he was 30 years ago.
Bilbo eventually tells Thorin that he'll agree to help, but he has a demand. He's what's considered a "confirmed bachelor" by his people, meaning he only likes men in his bed. They're not a bad looking bunch of males so he wants a bed warmer, just for the night...for now. The shocked silence continues for a while, Bilbo looking completely at ease and smug, before Fili and Kili eventually pipe up and agree to do it. Bilbo stares them down then turns to look at Thorin, waiting for him to argue. Getting no objection, he agrees and directs them to his bedroom. Once the door is shut and locked, Bilbo waves them towards the small sitting area he has in his bedroom and explains it was a test. A test that Thorin failed spectacularly. "If your king is willing to sacrifice you, his nephews and heirs who barely qualify as being adults, for something as trivial as a night in some stranger's bed without even a guarantee of no harm being done, what will he be willing to sacrifice for this stupid cause when there's something much worse in store?" He tells them not to tell the others, they are to continue the charade that Bilbo made use of them. Though he does tell them that if they do decide they want to try anything with him, to just let him know. Not sure if they'll go for it then or not.
Bilbo winds up having a more or less moralistic debate with the brothers about his reasoning which is both true and flawed depending on whose side you're on. Bilbo sees it as Thorin willing to risk anybody for his goal, the brothers see it as their leader delegating. The sex is still good, or maybe better, with their tempers up.
Bilbo may keep posing the challenge to Thorin every week, with each of the other dwarves volunteering only to have them told it was a test and the resultant conversation he had with the princes. (I'm now kind of seeing shades of the movie Easy A in this lol)